That's why I wrote the second installment on Kala Rath's photography blog where she revealed more of our photos. It was my hope that others out there who are adoptive families could relate. It was also my hope that those who have little experience with adoption might gain some important perspective. I am still a recipient of offensive comments and hurtful questions on a regular basis. But I really think the more open I can be with our experience, the difficulties we've faced, and the sensitivities required in engaging with the process of adoption, the more I'm fulfilling an obligation to help others understand.
The original post can be found here.
On Adoption
There are so many aspects of adoption that I wish those in
my life—and society in general—could understand. My family’s experience is incredibly unique, as every
adoption story is. But there are
commonalities among all, certain themes that are unavoidable, and certain facts
about the process and those involved that should be acknowledged and
celebrated. I’d like to help you
to understand a couple of those truths.
Countless friends have come up to me since Margot’s birth,
claiming to be considering adoption for themselves, for their own
families. Their comments suggest
an openness to this idea because of how easy
it would be.
Perhaps it’s my fault that they think this. Perhaps because I have held our journey
so close to my heart and so distant from others’ they have been led to believe
for some reason that our journey was simple, uncomplicated. As an adoptive mother, I firmly believe
in my new role as an ambassador for adoption. I now have the right, the honor, the responsibility to educate the world about adoption. So, let me clear up this one big
misconception about the ease of it
all.
I assure you, the only moments of ease we experienced during
our adoption were coming to love our daughter and coming to love her birth
mother. All else was complicated
by worry, fear, anxiety, legal complications, the unknown, and a lack of
control. We did not one day decide
we wanted a baby and the next come home with a healthy child—pain free.
Instead, we spent three years working to build our
family. We cried many tears, said
many prayers, and feared that our dream of family and love would never come
true. Our wait clouded every
aspect of our lives.
Adoption is an absolute miracle, and I could not be more
grateful for its existence. But
it’s not the easy road. It’s what
was meant for us, for our family.
But it wasn’t simple, and it won’t ever be simple. Every moment of our experience was
beautiful and spiritual and awe-inspiring, but each of those moments was also
terrifying and frustrating and anxiety-inducing.
We are better for our journey, and we have found our happiness
again. We are blessed and grateful
to be Margot’s parents, and we will always hold that gratitude close to our
hearts. It wasn’t easy getting
here, but we wouldn’t change that bumpy path for the world. So, if adoption has a hold on your
heart, don’t be afraid. It’s a
gift like no other. But is it easy? No, it isn’t easy.
When friends, family, acquaintances, and even perfect
strangers learn that I am an adoptive mother, I am often faced with one of
three responses:
1)
“That is such a wonderful thing you’re
doing. She is one lucky little
girl.”
2)
“I don’t know how you do it. I don’t think I could raise someone
else’s child.”
3)
“How can someone give up their child? I just can’t imagine.”
I, in turn, have responses to each of these
comments—sometimes I say them aloud, sometimes I think them to myself, and
sometimes I just don’t quite have the words. I’m going to walk forward with intent to always do the
former.
I want everyone to understand that Jason and I have not
engaged in any kind of heroic act.
We have adopted our sweet Margot because we longed for parenthood, for
the opportunity to raise children, and adoption spoke to our hearts. It has not been an altruistic act, and
while I hope that Margot grows up to be pleased with her life, our love for
her, and the opportunities we have provided her, she isn’t “lucky.” If anyone is lucky in this scenario, it
is Jason and I. We get to live the lives we’ve imagined as parents of an incredible
child. We are the lucky ones.
Jason and I are not raising someone else’s child. Margot is our child, and we knew this
to be true, even as she grew inside of her biological mother. It is not impossible for a child to have two mothers, two fathers. It became even more apparent as I
locked eyes with her in the first moments after she emerged into the
world. I do not look at her and
see someone else’s child. I look
at her and am overwhelmed by my love for her, as her mother. And I know Jason does the same. We
are her parents. We are
raising her because she is our daughter, just as most biological parents choose
to raise their children. I am just
as much a mother as any of you, and though society may suggest differently,
Margot is just as much my daughter as your biological children are yours.
Margot’s birth mother did not “give her up.” She made a difficult, laborious
decision about what was best for the child she loves so much. It was never simple. She loves Margot intensely and is
grieving a separation that is unimaginable. With this adoption plan comes great loss, but she has made
this plan out of the best interest of her child. She chose to place Margot in our arms as her parents forever
because she saw in us a great love and she trusts us to always do right by our
daughter. She is not heartless;
she is not unloving; she is not crazy; she is not oblivious; she is not
carefree; she is not any of the things people may assume about a birth mother.
She is faithful, spiritual, kind, generous, and loving. She is eloquent and
startlingly bright. She never
ceases to amaze me, and her strength and courage are beyond compare. You’ve never known anyone like her, and
to know her and have her in my life is to be a better person. Through our adoption, we fell in love
with two new people: our daughter and her biological mother.
I am proud of the woman from whom my daughter comes. She is the kind of woman I look up to:
a woman of conviction, of bravery, and of unconditional love. She did not give up on her child; no
birth mother gives up on her child.
She gave her child everything.
