You come from my soul.

A few days before Margot's scheduled arrival, I decided to frantically look for a newborn photographer.  It wasn't something I had really let myself think about, but as things were becoming more and more real, I decided I shouldn't wait until after she was born to beg a photographer to squeeze us in.  For a long time, it was just tough to truly let myself believe that this would happen for us, and I was fearful that scheduling photos would be getting ahead of myself.  After exchanging e-mails with several photographers in our area over a span of two days or so, I stumbled upon a gal about an hour and a half away whose work really spoke to me.  She didn't just specialize in the artistic, sweet little newborn shots.  She really told a story.  Stories about families.  And that's exactly what we wanted in documenting our incredible journey.  She did such a beautiful job, and I am so grateful to her for telling our story in a way that did it as much justice as could be done.

In addition to telling our story through her photographs, she allowed me the opportunity to blog as a guest on her photography blog.  I was able to tell our story through my own words, and it was a liberating and honorable experience.  And the response has been humbling and heart-warming.  The following was the first of two installments featured on her blog, www.kalarath.com.  Please visit her photography site at www.kalarathphotography.com.

Thank you, Kala.

A Love Letter

To my sweet love, Margot,

You don’t come from my body, but you come from my soul.

I knew this the first time I laid eyes on you.  You locked eyes with mine, and I saw you…I really saw you.  And that’s when I saw a piece of my soul, a piece of my heart.  Right in front of me.  It was the first time, and now I see those pieces in every moment of togetherness.

I never stop realizing that you come from my soul.  I know it when your head lies on my shoulder, your face so small and amazing, your arm draped over mine.  I know it when I breathe in your sweet breath.  I know it when your precious head fits perfectly in my hand and you calm as I stroke your soft temples.  I know it when your bare skin touches my bare skin, and we melt together.

I am your mother.  Unlike most women, I have been gifted motherhood in the most special way.  My life was saved by someone else, a stranger who saw in your daddy and me the ability to save hers as well.

I did not experience pregnancy—what it’s like to feel you grow inside of me, moving, and making your presence known…establishing who you were before I could even meet you face to face.  I did not bravely bring life into the world and am unable to nourish you with my own body.  I will never share in these uniquely female experiences, experiences that are expected and common to life as a woman.  Instead, though, I have lived the most supremely powerful and spiritual experience I can imagine.  It’s an experience no one else on this planet, no human being ever, has experienced.  At least not in the way I have.  I connected deeply with another woman, the woman who gave you life, who saw in me the potential to be the mother of her child—the potential to be your mother.  She trusted me and had confidence in my love.  She is the one who carried you, my sweet girl, and brought you in to the world.  And she is the one who loved you so much that she placed you in my arms and in my heart.  Not only am I incomprehensibly in love with you, precious Margot, but I am forever in love with your first mother—the only woman in the world who is capable of giving me the gift that she has… her love, her trust, motherhood.

Margot, you are my heart and you are my soul.  I waited for you and waited for you, and in the moment I first saw you, all of that waiting, all of that time—it disappeared.  My sadness and frustrations and fear were replaced by intense joy and love and hope.  You saved my life and brought light into my world, awakened my soul.  We are meant to be together, joined as mother and daughter for all of time.  I am humbled by you and the opportunity to love you beyond imagination.  Forever.

I love you, your daddy loves you, and your first mother—who gave you life and gave us family—loves you, too.  I am so proud of who you are and where you come from.  The world is before you, and thanks to the miracle of adoption, I am here as your mother to watch your beautiful future unfold.  You have me always.

Love,

Momma